A lot of people in this world suffer from social anxiety, and at times I do too. There are times where I just want to be left alone, and I want to isolate from everyone. This happens because I am always surrounded with people mostly a big part of my day. At times I get frustrated because social media can also take a toll making me stop being on for a good amount of time. Being an influencer, worker, singer, songwriter, soon to be wife, sister, aunt, daughter, cousin, friend, and being part of a ministry is at times a bit overwhelming. Now imagine if I was a mom….Michele has left the chat!
I stick to myself, I go out alone, and I make sure I have time to just be….ALONE. Different people try to influence me one way or another, and others are very opinionated. I can literally sit for about a good amount of time, stare out of the window, and when I least expect it….its night time. I am not going to lie to you, but my favorite part of the day is going to bed. I disconnect from the world, and by that I mean I turn off all my electronic devices. The only thing I have is my watch that I use specifically only to see what time it is in case I wake up to get a drink of water.
What is social anxiety to me? It is when people try to make me see the way they do, make me want to do things the way they want to, and trying to get a hold of me to make a point across. I am too much of a nice person at times, but there are days where I just want to smack everyone in the face. There are days when I wake up happy, but the minute I see my phone I get angry. I get upset at times that I can never please one person because another gets mad. I am still learning day by day to put myself first than everyone else. Being a perfectionist at heart, it gets difficult to have a smile on when inside I am in tears.
Take my wedding planning as an example, social media portrays the most elegant and expensive wedding. My family and his family want different things cause our cultures are different. Friends expect another thing when it won’t happen the way that is in their minds. People that have only spoken to my fiancé and I (just once a year) expect to be invited (not gonna happen). Our parents friends expect an invite when they were hardly present in my life. Other people that “know me” whom either they unfriended me, but added me again ask for their invitation (not gonna happen). People in general asking about the wedding…anxiety.
When so many ask about my life…….like I really want them to leave me alone. Some that STALK ME, and don’t like me (that’s laughable) but is it really necessary? So many ignorant people from church, just because I say my opinion, they automatically portray me as the bad person. Despite of all of this, there is one secret that I have which maintains me with my head up high. It is something that I cannot contain, one word that is powerful, one word that changes my life with every second that passes by, and one that is beyond anything and everything in this world.
For me this is the following:
God > Depression/Anxiety
I pray at night to be at ease.
I pray at night to be complete.
I pray at night to not feel weak.
I pray at night to make whatever I have go away.
I pray at night to have strength.
I pray at night so nothing can make me bend.
I pray at night to trust in Jesus and myself more.
I pray at night so nothing can make me feel disturbed.
I pray at night to be okay.
I pray because at the end of the day only the Lord knows my way.
Does that make sense? My definition of social anxiety can be extended into so much more, but I am only sharing this half with you in case anyone is able to relate to this. Trust me everything will be fine just find time to be alone. Now that I shared my story…I want to know what is yours? Please feel free to share your experience with me, send me a message, and let me know what part hit home for you the most. Love you all and I hope you are having an amazing day or night depending where you are at this moment. xoxo.